Burnout

I have been absent for the past several weeks. I don’t know if you’ve noticed and truthfully, it’s ok if you didn’t. I don’t really have a high online profile anyway. (Yes, I am an introvert, lol. It’s one of the reasons that I chose writing over something like acting or politics.)

The reason that I’ve been gone was exhaustion. I had hit a wall, hard. It was to the point where I found it hard to get out of bed, but neither was I able to get any decent rest, no matter how much or how little I actually slept. I was run down, burnt out, and hiding from the world. I just couldn’t find the energy to care whether or not I was interacting with anyone or going anywhere. It was just easier to stay at home and try to make it through another day.

At the same time, I was utterly miserable. I was letting down everyone in my life, I wasn’t meeting my goals, why couldn’t I just shake this off? After all, everyone else manages to get up and push through the day, so why couldn’t I? I was lazy, a failure, a bad sister/daughter/friend because I couldn’t be there for those I loved. Every time I would go to write, I would just stare at the blank screen, nearly in tears because no matter how much I searched, I could not find any words or stories inside me.

My cup was empty. I had absolutely nothing left to give. No stories. No energy. Nothing of myself to offer my friends and family. It was like staring into a misty abyss in the mountains inside myself. I knew that there would most likely be something wonderful if I could just get rid of the fog.

But the truth is, this didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t perfectly fine one day and totally empty the next. No, this was years and years of neglect on my part that led to this point. Our world values busy. The more items you have crammed into your schedule, the more items you can produce, that’s when you are considered a productive member of society. And so, we hit the ground running, day after day, not noticing that we’re destroying the most valuable thing we have, ourselves.

As everyone knows, these past two years have been, challenging, to put it lightly. Not only that, but living in the digital age and the constant stream of information at our finger tips and we’re under pressure 24/7 to process more and more and more. We don’t have sanctuaries or rest anymore. Many times, our homes are no longer our havens since people have started working remotely. There is no shift from work to the relaxation of home. No, now work is all the time at home because that’s where work is now. There is no division, no invisible boundary lines.

A few weeks ago, I got fed up with the brain fog and the lethargy. I got tired of not being able to perform and not being able to figure out why. I took care of myself, took my vitamins, ate fairly well, and tried to sleep at least six hours at night (I’m a night owl living with morning people, lol). So why was I unable to function? This kicked off some major research on my part.

And I discovered that I have adrenal fatigue. Now, this is a very controversial diagnosis. Many doctors do not believe in it. Also, it’s not a condition but a syndrome, something that happens because of something that’s happening in the body. To break it down as simply as possible, adrenals produce cortisol. Cortisol is what tells our body whether to fight or flight. It’s our stress response. However, when our bodies are under long term (chronic) stress without an actual event, the body starts getting confused about what to do with all the cortisol. After all, it’s only a short term solution. Cortisol gives you the energy/strength for survival and then after the event/danger is over, then you can go back to normal. But with chronic stress, there is nothing to signal an end to the situation for you body to return to business as usual.

So, I made some changes, took a social media/news fast, changed some of my diet, and started treating the adrenals directly so that they could stop over producing cortisol. And within 24 hours, the brain fog started to clear. Within a week, I started to engage with the world around me again. It’s been nearly a month now, and I’m finally getting my energy and creativity back. I feel like I’m slowly reclaiming my life and who I’m meant to be.

During this time, I’ve also been taking a hard look at my life, re-evaluating everything. Self care has become a lot more important to me, because I never should’ve allowed myself to reach this level of burnout in the first place, to where it became impossible for me to live my life ‘normally’. I’ve gotten rid of some of the busy work that was adding nothing of true value to my life. I reassessed my commitments, my goals, my dreams, everything.

I’m not going to lie, it’s going to take time to get myself back to what I consider optimal health, especially since life is not going to stop throwing challenges at me. But I’m going to start treating myself right, taking care of myself like I take care of those I love. I’m going to give myself more grace, laugh and live more instead of trying to keep up with the fast pace of this constantly moving world.

And don’t worry, I’m going to keep writing. I love to do it, it brings me such deep joy and commitment. But I’m going to stop trying to be that perfect author that does it all. Instead, I’m going to laugh and spin stories around a blazing campfire under a night sky blanketed with stars. I’m going to dance and sing and just enjoy the journey that my characters take me on. Because quite frankly, no one gets out of life alive, so I want to start enjoying the journey.

Wishing you an amazing week!

Curious if you have adrenal fatigue? Here is an easy way to check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYfUCMCBYGE

A to Z Challenge: Reflection

When I first discovered this challenge, it was only a day or two before sign-up closed. I ended up making a snap decision to participate, hoping to build up my blog. It would be easy, right? After all, it was just a simple post every day except Sunday throughout the month of April. I could probably wing it. Maybe.

So signing up, I now had to chose a theme. Easy enough. This blog is all about writing, so I would make my theme Everything I Love about Writing. There! I was going to breeze through this. Then I stumbled over my first obstacle. I actually had to come up with subjects the fit this theme using every letter. Do you know how hard it is to find X and Z words? Neither did I.

My good intentions of getting all the posts written ahead quickly fell through and I was writing a blog post every day. That actually turned out to be fun as I could approach it from a fresh perspective. Also, as I mentioned several times during the month, I am a pantser, not a plotter. I had a master list of the subjects I had picked, but every new post was a delightful surprise.

For example, my theme was Everything I Love about Writing.  However, I realized that that was too one-sided of an approach to what I consider my writing journey. After all, how can you recognized good if you never see bad? So I expanded it to all aspects of my journey. Something that surprised me was my G post, G is for Grammar. I didn’t like that post, I don’t like grammar, it was the antithesis to my theme. It was one of the most popular posts from the entire challenge. Every post revealed something new to me, challenged me to change and grow.

A particularly fun part of the A to Z challenge was getting to blog hop to other bloggers. I only visited about ten consistently, but I was delighted to get to know them through their blog posts and A to Z journey.

So how can I sum up the A to Z challenge? I still don’t know what happened to April. I scrambled to keep up with the posting and comments. There were days when I felt like I fell far short and others that I felt like I’d won a gold medal. I got to met new bloggers and made some amazing friends over the course of this challenge. As my dad says, ‘Would I do it again?’ The answer is yes. I’m looking forward to next year.

My thanks to everyone who stopped by during this challenge, you’re the best!

 

K is for Kinesiology

So what exactly is Kinesiology?

 

“The study of the principles of mechanics and anatomy in relation to human movement”

Source – Merriam-Webster dictionary

 

Now, you may be asking yourself what exactly does this have to do with writing? Please be patient and bear with me, it will all make sense in the end.

 

A little over a year ago, I started a journey. I was looking for a place that taught Tai Chi, looking for a way to get more fit in a low impact way. Although there was only one place that taught Tai Chi in my area, I decided to investigate the other dojos as well. It’s a good thing that I did because the place that taught Tai Chi was a very narrow minded place and did not fit at all with my principles and morals.

 

So I walked into this dojo with little to no idea of what I was doing, only a dream of wanting to learn martial arts since I was a little girl. It was a welcoming place and I felt instantly at home. Despite having no idea what I was getting myself into, I signed up and started off on my martial art journey of learning Kenpo Karate. Thankfully, I was very fortunate with the dojo I joined. The teachers are incredible and there is a culture of responsibility and kindness there. It is taught as self defense and they make sure that you know what will happen if you have to use it as well as ways to avoid having to ever use it. After all, the best self defense is to get out of danger before it even starts, right?

 

So what does this have to do with writing? When I first started Kenpo, I just wanted to do the cool choppy thing. I am not a fighter and I have never been in a physical altercation (except for with my brothers, but that’s just sibling stuff so it doesn’t count). So, like in Kung Fu Panda, I was looking for a level zero.

 

I am like Po, lol https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dWo0dm16wLY

 

For the first month, I was totally lost. However, I persevered and gradually things began to fall into place. And this is where kinesiology comes into play. As I started learning the different techniques, I also started learning cause and effect. If I hit here, a person would most likely react this way. If I block a blow, I’ll have to be ready for the second punch or kick because most people won’t just hit you and then wait for you to hit them back. This then turned into freestyle sparring. I often didn’t have time to fully execute techniques, so I learned how to break them down and use the pieces to get the results I needed. If I needed to get more space from my opponent, I could do a, b, or c. If my opponent favored a certain type of move, this is how I could deal with it. It became like a giant chess game or unraveling a mystery and I adored it.

 

So the genre I write tends to be action/adventure under the broad heading of fantasy (I like to create my own worlds, although the Seeker Files do include magic and supernaturals, so it is fantasy). However, despite my love of the genre, I have trouble writing fighting scenes simply from my lack of experience. They just sounded stiff. So imagine my surprise when I was writing one about half a year after a started karate and it just flowed. I was half shocked, half thrilled, and totally ready to write even more. I hadn’t realized how much I had subconsciously learned and how important it was to know exactly how people act/react in a fight.

 

I have been learning Kenpo for about a year and a half now. Unlike when I first walked into the dojo, I know exactly what I am getting myself into. I also readily admit how little I truly know and that it’s going to be the journey of a lifetime to ever truly master it. But that’s ok, because like writing, it’s a passion that I will never abandon.

 

So what is something in your life that has translated into your writing?

J is for Journey

 

Now, I know that I’ve been using a lot of Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit references. But honestly, they are epic books and movies (except for The Hobbit trilogy, I cannot condone those) and they have withstood the test of time. Some books are poorly written but become immensely popular for short time. Others are very well written but are a dense read, so they remain of limited popularity. Tolkien combines both ease of reading and excellent writing, as is shown by its continued popularity years after it was written. Anyway, I digress.

 

Journey is one of my all time favorite words. It implies travel, new experiences, personal growth. But as Bilbo Baggins so aptly tells Frodo

“It’s a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no knowing where you might be swept off to.”

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

 

I find that this to be true of writing as well. When you embark on the path of a story, if you don’t keep your feet under you, you will be swept off to who knows where instead of the intended destination of your story. Also there is the fact that in a story, as in real life, a journey does not have to be a physical journey, but it can be an emotional journey instead. All that matters is that the character is not in the same place that we found them and that we know how they got there.

 

What is a journey that you or your character have taken lately?