Burnout

I have been absent for the past several weeks. I don’t know if you’ve noticed and truthfully, it’s ok if you didn’t. I don’t really have a high online profile anyway. (Yes, I am an introvert, lol. It’s one of the reasons that I chose writing over something like acting or politics.)

The reason that I’ve been gone was exhaustion. I had hit a wall, hard. It was to the point where I found it hard to get out of bed, but neither was I able to get any decent rest, no matter how much or how little I actually slept. I was run down, burnt out, and hiding from the world. I just couldn’t find the energy to care whether or not I was interacting with anyone or going anywhere. It was just easier to stay at home and try to make it through another day.

At the same time, I was utterly miserable. I was letting down everyone in my life, I wasn’t meeting my goals, why couldn’t I just shake this off? After all, everyone else manages to get up and push through the day, so why couldn’t I? I was lazy, a failure, a bad sister/daughter/friend because I couldn’t be there for those I loved. Every time I would go to write, I would just stare at the blank screen, nearly in tears because no matter how much I searched, I could not find any words or stories inside me.

My cup was empty. I had absolutely nothing left to give. No stories. No energy. Nothing of myself to offer my friends and family. It was like staring into a misty abyss in the mountains inside myself. I knew that there would most likely be something wonderful if I could just get rid of the fog.

But the truth is, this didn’t happen overnight. I wasn’t perfectly fine one day and totally empty the next. No, this was years and years of neglect on my part that led to this point. Our world values busy. The more items you have crammed into your schedule, the more items you can produce, that’s when you are considered a productive member of society. And so, we hit the ground running, day after day, not noticing that we’re destroying the most valuable thing we have, ourselves.

As everyone knows, these past two years have been, challenging, to put it lightly. Not only that, but living in the digital age and the constant stream of information at our finger tips and we’re under pressure 24/7 to process more and more and more. We don’t have sanctuaries or rest anymore. Many times, our homes are no longer our havens since people have started working remotely. There is no shift from work to the relaxation of home. No, now work is all the time at home because that’s where work is now. There is no division, no invisible boundary lines.

A few weeks ago, I got fed up with the brain fog and the lethargy. I got tired of not being able to perform and not being able to figure out why. I took care of myself, took my vitamins, ate fairly well, and tried to sleep at least six hours at night (I’m a night owl living with morning people, lol). So why was I unable to function? This kicked off some major research on my part.

And I discovered that I have adrenal fatigue. Now, this is a very controversial diagnosis. Many doctors do not believe in it. Also, it’s not a condition but a syndrome, something that happens because of something that’s happening in the body. To break it down as simply as possible, adrenals produce cortisol. Cortisol is what tells our body whether to fight or flight. It’s our stress response. However, when our bodies are under long term (chronic) stress without an actual event, the body starts getting confused about what to do with all the cortisol. After all, it’s only a short term solution. Cortisol gives you the energy/strength for survival and then after the event/danger is over, then you can go back to normal. But with chronic stress, there is nothing to signal an end to the situation for you body to return to business as usual.

So, I made some changes, took a social media/news fast, changed some of my diet, and started treating the adrenals directly so that they could stop over producing cortisol. And within 24 hours, the brain fog started to clear. Within a week, I started to engage with the world around me again. It’s been nearly a month now, and I’m finally getting my energy and creativity back. I feel like I’m slowly reclaiming my life and who I’m meant to be.

During this time, I’ve also been taking a hard look at my life, re-evaluating everything. Self care has become a lot more important to me, because I never should’ve allowed myself to reach this level of burnout in the first place, to where it became impossible for me to live my life ‘normally’. I’ve gotten rid of some of the busy work that was adding nothing of true value to my life. I reassessed my commitments, my goals, my dreams, everything.

I’m not going to lie, it’s going to take time to get myself back to what I consider optimal health, especially since life is not going to stop throwing challenges at me. But I’m going to start treating myself right, taking care of myself like I take care of those I love. I’m going to give myself more grace, laugh and live more instead of trying to keep up with the fast pace of this constantly moving world.

And don’t worry, I’m going to keep writing. I love to do it, it brings me such deep joy and commitment. But I’m going to stop trying to be that perfect author that does it all. Instead, I’m going to laugh and spin stories around a blazing campfire under a night sky blanketed with stars. I’m going to dance and sing and just enjoy the journey that my characters take me on. Because quite frankly, no one gets out of life alive, so I want to start enjoying the journey.

Wishing you an amazing week!

Curious if you have adrenal fatigue? Here is an easy way to check it out: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mYfUCMCBYGE

The Seeker Files New Covers

Being a writer is a funny thing. It’s an urge so strong to share a story or your knowledge on a subject that you have no choice but to put words on the page and send them out to wherever they may land.

This is the hardest part of being a writer, working and sharing the joys and dreams of your heart into a world that can be very unkind. Don’t get me wrong, the world is an amazing place and I have met so many incredible people that have lifted me up and given me a hand. But the fear is always there.

When I was fifteen (Ah, brash youth), I fell prey or almost did to a vanity company. After hearing back for months and months how wonderful my book was and how the couldn’t wait to work with me, I was told that they would publish my book for 4k dollars. I don’t know why this was such a devastating blow to me. I know that publishing is not a free industry, but they hadn’t mentioned anything about money or fees before even starting the process, otherwise I would’ve researched other options. I think what my teenage self heard was that no one would ever be interested in my work unless I paid people to care. Either way, I was crushed.

When I first started writing The Seeker Files, I was tired of living in fear of sharing my writing. I never stopped writing, but I stopped sharing, which means that I concealed a large portion of who I am. And putting on a facade is exhausting. I challenged myself to write a mystery in time for Halloween and publish it. I did it, although I was exhausted, and I did it so scared. But the thing I told myself was that I was doing it brave and boldly.

I released my book under the name Kat Seaholm. I told myself it was so that I could keep my privacy in case the series ever took off, but what my fear was whispering was entirely different. It told me that no one wanted my book when I was 15, why would they want to read anything by me now? If Kat Seaholm wasn’t me, I wouldn’t be hurt when people didn’t like my writing.

Imagine my surprise (and disbelief) when I heard good feedback. Discounting my family (Sorry guys, you have to live with me and are required to be nice about my writing), people told me that they enjoyed my writing and my characters. My writing wasn’t perfect, I’ve had to do several revisions, but people saw something that was worth taking the time to polish.

Also recently, I’ve taken the Clifton Strengths, which has been freeing and life-altering for me. I know that I’ve mentioned them in other posts and I plan to do a post on just them another day, so I’ll talk about it later.

It’s been nearly 2 years since I first sat down to write the Seeker Files. I can say with confidence that I am not the same person I was when I first sat down. I am glad to say that I have changed and I have grown. And I am no longer ashamed or scared of showing the world my writing and who I am.

Slowly but surely I’m getting everything transferred over from Kat Seaholm (I’m thankful for her, she stood for me until I could stand for myself). Today, I got back the covers for my first two books with my real name on them. I admit, I cried a little when I saw it, a mix of happy and sad tears.

So here they are

Book One

Book Two

Aren’t they pretty?

So what are you doing scared right now? How have you grown and changed? What are you doing today that 2 years ago you would’ve told yourself was impossible?

Happy Friday!

Hardships on the Journey

Hey Everyone,

So it’s Wednesday, the middle of the week. Starting with my birthday, I decided to turn my life around and live my life boldly with no apologies. Part of this process is taking care of my health. I mean, we could all take better care of ourselves, right?

For me, this meant getting back onto my supplement routine and to give up caffeine. Just so you know, I have nothing against caffeine, but I don’t drink coffee. It takes too much sugar and cream to make it taste good to me for it to be worth drinking. Which brings me back to giving up caffeine. I’m giving up soda simply because there is too much sugar in it to be healthy for the lifestyle I want to live. Add to that the fact that I can drink a 2 liter daily, and well, I have a soda addiction.

So I gave up soda cold turkey on Monday. It’s Wednesday and my head feels like it’s going to explode. I know that if I gut through this, today will be the worst and I will feel much better. But today? Today I am questioning everything. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I turn to junk food for comfort? What would one little cup of soda hurt? It couldn’t possibly hurt anything.

That’s not the truth though. It would be a step on a slippery slope and before I know it, I would be back into the same routine, using the soda to feel human, even though I didn’t feel great on it, I would be functional. Don’t get me wrong, soda tastes delicious, but the pound here and there quietly sneaking on and the energy crashes is not something that I am willing to accept anymore. I deserve to have good health, to have natural energy and a slim frame (Still working on the last one, lol). I just have to keep reminding myself that nothing good happens without effort and a little pain now will save me a lot of pain and heartbreak (and most likely hospital bills) down the road.

So how can I take this struggle and turn it into a triumph? Well, if I persevere, my health will improve and I will hopefully be able to clear up some of my brain fog. I know that my struggle is not unique, so I’ll be able to relate better with others that are going through this. And, as a bonus, I’ll be able to use this in my writing. When I write, I want my characters to feel so real that my readers feel like they could meet them walking down the street. So I can take this and use it in a story somewhere. For example, a character signs up to guard a foreign caravan and they don’t drink coffee, so they have to deal with the withdrawal while staying alert. Or maybe it’s a hostage situation, how do you deal with all the stress of such a situation while your head feels like its about to explode? How does it change depending on whether you are the hostage or the hostage taker?

So what struggles are you dealing with? What battles are you or your characters going through? Let me know, I’m really curious to find out 🙂

Happy Wednesday!

Changes – This is Me

You may have noticed that I’ve recently changed a few things about my blog lately after being absent for quite a while. Life, as always, is crazy, but I want to share why I’ve decided to make these changes. Let me tell you about me.

I don’t remember learning how to read, it’s just something that has been part of me for as long as I can remember. Books have been such a large part of my life, they make up the core of who I am. I have been writing nearly as long. I dictated my first stories to my mother who kindly wrote them for me and then moved on to writing them myself. There was nothing that I enjoyed more than getting lost in a good book or creating a story.

When I was fifteen, I finished my first novel. With all the brash enthusiasm of teenagers, I sent my book off into the world to be published. I made the mistake of choosing Tate Publishers to send my book to, a company that I later found out did not have a great reputation. After waiting months to hear back and being told repeatedly that everything looked good, I received an email saying that they could publish my book….. for four thousand dollars. I was crushed, naturally, for what teenager has 4k just lying around. Also, at no point was any discussion of payment brought up, so I felt blindsided and betrayed. Looking back now, I know that this was a rather naive way of viewing the world, but it set off events that changed my life for the next fifteen years.

After receiving this email, I swore that I would never show anyone my writing ever again. Again, teenagers are so dramatic! And I was a terribly shy teenager so having summoned the courage to share my writing, this made it’s rejection all the more painful. (I think I had some wild idea of becoming the next J. K. Rowling or Christopher Paolini, an overnight sensation with people begging to read my books. I don’t know, time has passed since then.) From that day forward, I never shared my writing with anyone, not even my family, although thankfully I never stopped writing.

Years passed and I finished high school and then college, before moving into the workforce, landing my dream job as a librarian. Throughout this time, people had told my that my writing was great, although I never showed them the stories that I wrote, just college and workplace assignments. Office politics happened and I ended up quitting my job as a librarian and becoming a full time essential oil wellness advocate for doTERRA essential oils. This allowed me to travel to Guatemala and Nepal as well as meet some incredible people. I know, you’re wondering why I’m telling you this, but it’ll become relevant later, I promise.

Two years ago, in September 2017, I got fed up with living my life in fear. I challenged myself to write a mystery and publish it in time for Halloween. Imagine my surprise when I sat down to write the mystery and a six book series popped into my head! And thus, The Seeker Files were born. I did manage to write the first novel in a month and publish it, but I was soooooo burnt out, lol. Since then, I’ve written and published the second book and recently finished writing the third book in the series. (It is now in the editing stages, which I admit takes a bit longer. Editing is not in my wheelhouse, lol). All of this was done under the name Kat Seaholm

Fast forward to May of this year. I am still with doTERRA essential oils and right now, the company is really focused on something called Gallup or Clifton Strengths. If you don’t know what that is, check it out, it is totally amazing and life changing! https://www.gallupstrengthscenter.com/

I ended up taking the full 34 strengths test and it was life changing for me. It allowed me to see that there was nothing broken or wrong with me, that I was simply being ME. By learning about these strengths and how to use them properly instead of holding me back, it was life changing. It was like finally being able to breathe deeply after holding my breath for all of my life. It give me permission to be me fully, without shame or regret. And this is when I realized, that even though I had published my book, I was still living in fear. I was afraid to put myself out there, fully and totally, was hiding behind a pen name using a plethora of excuses as to why it was a good idea or why people would hate me. And I’m tired of it. So I’m currently working on rebranding everything under my real name.

So goodbye Kat Seaholm. You were good to me, you helped me get past my initial fears and to actually get my work out there. But it’s time to let you go and to step boldly out so people can get to know the real me, with all my quirkiness and rough edges.

Hello! I want to invite you to get to know me, the real me. My name is Katie Holmburg. My mother loves Irish names, so my name originally was going to be Kathleen, but as my middle name is Colleen (I’m the third generation to have Colleen as a middle name and love it), it was decided that Kathleen Colleen was too many een’s so I ended up with Katherine instead. But I am and always will be a Katie, not a Kathy or a Kate or even Kat, but simply Katie.

I turn 30 tomorrow. I know that this is a big milestone for a lot of people, but I am so grateful to be turning 30. I feel like I am just beginning to hit my stride in life, to figure out who I really am.

I am happily single and enjoying life. I have waaaaay too many cats (8) but wouldn’t get rid of a single one. I am about a year away from getting my black belt in International Kenpo Karate Jiu-Jitsu or IKKJ and love being a martial artist. My mom doesn’t understand how it is that her only daughter is the one who took up martial arts or writes murder mysteries instead of one of her three boys, but she loves me anyway.

I love to write and I love to read, but I hate grammar and it hates me back. I still have the first novel I wrote, but it needs a serious overhaul and is NOT a part of The Seeker Files. I’m still figuring out the part of being a writer/publisher/wearer of all hats, but I learn something new everyday. But I know that my characters will always have a story to tell and need someone to tell it, a.k.a. me.

So thank you for being part of my journey so far. And I hope that you continue the journey with me as I continue writing The Seeker Files and discovering Aletta and Lirim’s story. As I discover who I am and share it with the world.

Happy Friday!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wEJd2RyGm8Q

This is Me