Being a writer is a funny thing. It’s an urge so strong to share a story or your knowledge on a subject that you have no choice but to put words on the page and send them out to wherever they may land.
This is the hardest part of being a writer, working and sharing the joys and dreams of your heart into a world that can be very unkind. Don’t get me wrong, the world is an amazing place and I have met so many incredible people that have lifted me up and given me a hand. But the fear is always there.
When I was fifteen (Ah, brash youth), I fell prey or almost did to a vanity company. After hearing back for months and months how wonderful my book was and how the couldn’t wait to work with me, I was told that they would publish my book for 4k dollars. I don’t know why this was such a devastating blow to me. I know that publishing is not a free industry, but they hadn’t mentioned anything about money or fees before even starting the process, otherwise I would’ve researched other options. I think what my teenage self heard was that no one would ever be interested in my work unless I paid people to care. Either way, I was crushed.
When I first started writing The Seeker Files, I was tired of living in fear of sharing my writing. I never stopped writing, but I stopped sharing, which means that I concealed a large portion of who I am. And putting on a facade is exhausting. I challenged myself to write a mystery in time for Halloween and publish it. I did it, although I was exhausted, and I did it so scared. But the thing I told myself was that I was doing it brave and boldly.
I released my book under the name Kat Seaholm. I told myself it was so that I could keep my privacy in case the series ever took off, but what my fear was whispering was entirely different. It told me that no one wanted my book when I was 15, why would they want to read anything by me now? If Kat Seaholm wasn’t me, I wouldn’t be hurt when people didn’t like my writing.
Imagine my surprise (and disbelief) when I heard good feedback. Discounting my family (Sorry guys, you have to live with me and are required to be nice about my writing), people told me that they enjoyed my writing and my characters. My writing wasn’t perfect, I’ve had to do several revisions, but people saw something that was worth taking the time to polish.
Also recently, I’ve taken the Clifton Strengths, which has been freeing and life-altering for me. I know that I’ve mentioned them in other posts and I plan to do a post on just them another day, so I’ll talk about it later.
It’s been nearly 2 years since I first sat down to write the Seeker Files. I can say with confidence that I am not the same person I was when I first sat down. I am glad to say that I have changed and I have grown. And I am no longer ashamed or scared of showing the world my writing and who I am.
Slowly but surely I’m getting everything transferred over from Kat Seaholm (I’m thankful for her, she stood for me until I could stand for myself). Today, I got back the covers for my first two books with my real name on them. I admit, I cried a little when I saw it, a mix of happy and sad tears.
So here they are
Aren’t they pretty?
So what are you doing scared right now? How have you grown and changed? What are you doing today that 2 years ago you would’ve told yourself was impossible?